hhatcher: (cycle of violence)
[personal profile] hhatcher
I've been feeling out of control and self-destructive lately. A combination of depression, "fuck it", and a lack of direction. Same old story. I don't like it. Same old story there, too. Other stresses in my life right now as well, but sometimes you just have to soldier on and hope things get better.

The main problems in my life are of my own creation, or a result of my own inaction. The real question is, "what am I going to do about it?" And the answer, for the moment, is "I don't know." I know that I need to get my weight under control, exercise and diet will do that, but I've completely fallen off the wagon on those fronts and it feels very futile to me at the moment.

There have been times in my life where I felt like I could just bend the universe to my will, and by and large, was successful. Right now, that feels very far away and impossible for me. But I felt that way once, and I can reach that point again. For the time being, I think that I may just have to fake it, trick myself into believing that I can succeed, and if I can pull the wool over my own eyes long enough, I will find that I have succeeded in spite of myself.

"The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it."
"That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around."
"I know. That's the way it works."

And that pretty much sums it up. It's a dumbass way to work, but that's the way it is. :P

(no subject)

Date: 2008-08-18 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] feyluck.livejournal.com
You CAN do it. You are an incredibly wonderful and intelligent person. You have the ninja skills to pull of just about anything. You just have to remember that you can.

I know exactly how you feel and while it sucks right now and its easy to think that things are not too likely to get better, they will. May I recommend baby steps. I find that I can trick myself into doing the stuff that seems insurmountable by telling myself that I'm only going to do a little bit, and then when I reach that easier goal marker, I see if I can get myself to go just a little bit farther or longer or whatever. Suddenly I've hiked for 5 miles instead of 5 minutes or I've spent all evening at a wonderful party instead of the half an hour I originally told myself to stick it out. It may sound silly, but its what works for me. Remember that you don't have to do this alone. Not any of it. Not the weight loss or any of the other fuss. Anytime you need to chat or you need a verbal hug or you need, well, anything really, just give me a buzz. Remember that you're loved.

Additionally...

Date: 2008-08-18 11:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikien.livejournal.com

...remember that its all about perspective. In retrospect, the best times in my life and the worst times in my life weren't related to the external world dropping piles of goodness on me or crapping on my head. They were related to how I chose to interact with the world. Think about that, and see if you really believe it. If you don't, repeat the last sentence. If you do, great, now its time to move on. :-)

The point being, its your actions and how you chose to interpret the world around you that ultimately controls your mood. It takes some effort, but once you believe that that is true, you can forcibly change your perspective on the world -- by a bit of pretending, a bit of force of will, and a big pile of knowing what you want. And I don't mean in the "what you want to do with your life" sense, but in a "who you want to be" sense. People often trying and figure out what their life is going to look like in 5 years --- good luck with that. However, if you can figure out who you want to be (someone who takes care of their friends, brings more happiness into the world, spreads smiles/joy/love by example) -- the rest really will work itself out.

The nice part about all that is, at least for me, its easy to buy into who I want to be -- its a core part of my values and what I believe in already. Its just easy to lose focus on that in a world that is pushing all kinds of extraneous crap at you. Refocus on being the person you want to be, and your future will iron itself out -- as well as a lot of other benefits raining down on the people around you. Which, of course, makes it that much easier to continue the cycle -- after seeing someone smile because of something you've said, or an easy thing you've done, goes a long way towards warding off the feelings of impotency and helplessness that can characterize this modern life -- but only if you let it.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-08-19 09:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] giantlaser.livejournal.com
That is indeed how it works. The fear has never gotten easier for me. I take a deep breath and do it before I have time to ponder the choice. Any hesitation, and the fear wins. But it is always there. Our constant evolutionary companion. It keeps us alive, huddled in our safe caves. But who wants to live in smelly caves?

No motivational talk from me. Instead, I offer a small bit of advice: when you exercise, use an iPod to keep your mind off the exercise itself. Exercise sucks - it hurts, and you're sweaty and icky and the whole time you're reevaluating how much of this you really want to do right now. What I do is download audiobooks and listen to them while I work out. I set a goal when I begin and don't allow myself to cut a session short. If I can't handle a full session, I am capable of evaluating that before a begin, and I'm impaired from judging correctly once I've begun.

You're smart, Hank, and that's your weakness when exercising. Why spend all this effort on the meat suit? Why not enhance your brain, the thing that really gets things done? This is not a problem for average or dumb people, and they are fortunate for it. So you must work against even your brain, against your desire to do something more worth-while.

So listen to an audiobook; let it keep your brain occupied while you work out. Not music, because that can be easily backgrounded. Listen to words and pay attention to them, and let the meat suit work on autopilot. It really helps.

The entire Wheel of Time is available in just one little 18GB torrent here.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-08-19 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] owlslight.livejournal.com
This is some excellent advice for both Mr. Hank and Yours Truly.

In the spirit of always hijacking Hank's journal, your Beanlet is tres adorable. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-08-19 03:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amphitrite27.livejournal.com
I think another key is keeping all this from feeling like deprivation. A long term life change done with Joy and intellectual purpose ("being a healthy weight is a more important and valuable goal then having fast food") will be easier to sustain then a task.

Also I know it helps me when other people are interested in similar things. If there is social support for eating more veggies, then we all get to taste more interpretations, making it seem more delicious, etc.

Everyone else had great advice so...

Date: 2008-08-19 08:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] owlslight.livejournal.com
You're teh awesome. You can doo eet.

*smooches*
*hugs*

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Hank

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