Aug. 18th, 2008

hhatcher: (cycle of violence)
I've been feeling out of control and self-destructive lately. A combination of depression, "fuck it", and a lack of direction. Same old story. I don't like it. Same old story there, too. Other stresses in my life right now as well, but sometimes you just have to soldier on and hope things get better.

The main problems in my life are of my own creation, or a result of my own inaction. The real question is, "what am I going to do about it?" And the answer, for the moment, is "I don't know." I know that I need to get my weight under control, exercise and diet will do that, but I've completely fallen off the wagon on those fronts and it feels very futile to me at the moment.

There have been times in my life where I felt like I could just bend the universe to my will, and by and large, was successful. Right now, that feels very far away and impossible for me. But I felt that way once, and I can reach that point again. For the time being, I think that I may just have to fake it, trick myself into believing that I can succeed, and if I can pull the wool over my own eyes long enough, I will find that I have succeeded in spite of myself.

"The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it."
"That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around."
"I know. That's the way it works."

And that pretty much sums it up. It's a dumbass way to work, but that's the way it is. :P

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Hank

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